WHAT TOUGH LOVE IS/IS NOT

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WHAT TOUGH LOVE IS/IS NOT

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The concept of tough love is a quite sensitive one. Some say it's a necessary evil, some say it's beneficial to those on the receiving end. Others claim it's more harmful than good and should be made away with, anyway. This is because too often, many use it as a justification for abuse. 

Let us first establish what tough love is not.
Tough love will never belittle you, devalue you or demean you. Emotional abuse will. It can be as subtle as a husband telling his wife, "Look at you, see how fat you are, see your big tummy. If you continue like this, I will just run away. You're so shapeless." 
This right here is not what tough love is about and it's not honesty either. It is rude, evil and hurtful. If such a person has no tactful way of saying harsh truths, that is a flaw in their communication skills and not an asset. 

Another illustration is found in parent-child relations. Take a family where the child performs poorly and is insulted and called a dullard for not performing well. I mean, you wonder where the child could have gotten the subpar intelligence if not for said parents, but that's a story for another day. 
Being strict with house rules in order not to let them get too relaxed with their studies is one thing, shaming is another. 

"The doctor said you're getting obese and we're worried for you because it's bad for your health. For that reason, we've signed you up for a fitness program starting Monday which you are under no circumstances allowed to quit or get lax with. You need to start being intentional about your health." 
Notice the absence of name-calling, manipulation and humiliation? This is an example of what tough love looks like. 
It is employed by addiction and alcohol recovery programs, hard-driving coaches and accountability partners. 
The essence of tough love eventually benefits the loved one. 
It involves successfully keeping away your own emotional needs and insecurities aside while doing this. It avoids any narrative that humiliates/ shame/intimidates/ gaslight the other person. 
Emotional abuse, on the other hand, is about exercising power and control. There is a very fine line between these two which everyone must be able to identify.

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