Finding ‘the One’: A counterintuitive approach to love and life

 

Mofeoluwa Ade-Olufadeju

So, you're actively searching for that one person who ‘completes’ you? You’re desperate to find that special someone you're to spend forever with? Or you’re already with an amazing person but you keep asking yourself if they’re ‘the One’? 

Please, stop! I’m going to be redefining the process of finding love. It won’t reflect popular opinion but, it’s what you and a lot of people out there need to know. Brace yourself and read on. 

In trying to find ‘the One’, you will not need to step outside your comfort zone. You've probably been lectured on how you need to move around and change your environment with the hope of bumping into true love on your wanderings. I’m not saying that’s completely ridiculous but, just think about this: A bibliophile has higher chances finding a compatible mate in a library than in a club. The same way a party animal will most likely find a compatible mate at a party than in a knitting class. If you’re going to be comfortable with someone, you're most probably going to meet them in an environment you’re comfortable in too. 

You cannot put up an act forever, be yourself! You need someone who loves you for you. This does not mean that you should not improve on yourself but, do not do so with the aim of attracting a partner. Look good because you want to look good. Lose weight because you want to lose weight for you. 

I remember telling a friend once that I wanted to embark on a particular routine to shed some weight. I got comments like, “Most guys their ladies thick”, and I remember thinking… ‘so?’ I mean, was that supposed to influence my decision? I wanted to shed the belly fat because I felt like it. I wanted to shrink my waist down from 34 inches to 29 inches because, I wanted to look good for me. It took a strenuous, sweat-filled process but I did and I was so pleased with the results. Selfish? Yes. But did it make me happy? Hell, yeah! And that’s what matters. 

Drop down from a size twelve to a size eight because you want to fit into that dress again. Shed that belly for rock hard abs because you want to be fit. Socialise more because you want to work on your anti-social personality. Smile more because you want to be more positive, not because you’re hoping you’ll finally be good enough for someone.

Note: If your real self doesn’t flow well with someone else’s, he/she is most likely not someone you could live with for the rest of your life. Forever is a long time, my dear. 

Take each relationship that comes your way as a journey, rather than a destination. Bear in mind, a relationship that does not end up in marriage is NOT a failed one. Think about it: each person you come across in life teaches you something new or exposes you to something new about yourself. Hang out with friends for the sheer pleasure of enjoying their company. Same way you should enjoy being with someone without stressing over when you’ll be walking down the aisle. 

When your journey as partners comes to an end, don’t be bitter and regretful. Rather, be grateful for the experiences you had, the lessons you learned and the parts of you that were discovered. Reflect, learn, grow and (cliché alert, lol) move on!

Rather than x-raying everyone who smiles at you for potential wife/husband material qualities, why not focus on the sheer pleasure of getting to know new, wonderful people? Instead of worrying about whether or not you’ve found that ‘missing piece’ in your current partner, why not bask in the sheer joy of companionship.

However, if you two have been together for a long time and your goals in the relationship do not still match (maybe you’re ready to settle down and he/she is not even marriage-oriented at all), you should consider moving on. 

Like Josie Santo said, finding your other half implies that you are not already whole. Rather than searching for ‘the One’, why not focus on being the One for you? 

Now, does this mean that when you’re a perfect, well-rounded individual, your Prince Charming will suddenly, finally appear? Well… it could and it couldn’t. If you decide to work on these things with the mind of being rewarded with a soulmate at the end, then you’ve completely missed the point. Free up your mind and read again.